by Kevin Ott and Dave Thomer

Back in December a group of writers on the Warren Ellis Forum were bemoaning the cliched dialogue that runs through so many fiction projects. Jay Faerber said, "I just always get annoyed when I see obvious I-learned-this-by-watching-too-much-TV dialogue. Like whenever you give someone CPR, you have to say 'Breathe, dammit!' or 'Don't you die on me!'" The ever-brilliant Gail Simone joked that these complaints put a crimp in her plans to publish a DON'T YOU DIE ON ME miniseries, and soon the thread was nearly derailed by dialogue-cliches-transformed-into-titles.

Never one to leave a good idea alone, Kevin and Dave spent a morning on IM running the concept into the ground. Considering that half of these seem to have made it into the ads for We Were Soldiers, we figured we'd share the results with you.

DT: I found the book I was looking for, by the way. It was under my copy of YOU'VE NEVER FOUGHT FOR ANYTHING IN YOUR LIFE NOW LIVE, DAMMIT, LIVE.

KO: Was it anywhere near NO, TAKE ME INSTEAD?

DT: No, that was on the shelf next to WE'RE ONLY GOING TO GET ONE CHANCE AT THIS.

KO: Wasn't that the sequel to MEET YOUR NEW PARTNER?

DT: No, you're thinking of IT'S TIME TO SHOW THESE PUNKS WE MEAN BUSINESS. Unless I'm getting that confused with I DON'T PLAY BY THE RULES.

KO: Didn't that have a crossover with LEAVE THE GIRL OUT OF THIS, YOUR QUARREL'S WITH ME?

DT: Yeah, along with IT'S TIME WE SETTLED THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL. I ALWAYS KNEW IT WOULD COME TO THIS was a tie-in, there, I think.

KO: OK, the trilogy. The one that started with SO YOU'RE THE ONE BEHIND ALL THIS and LET'S GIVE HIM SOMETHING TO REMEMBER US BY.

DT: Yeah, none of them were as good as HE MAY BE CRAZY, BUT HE'S THE BEST DAMN DOCTOR I'VE EVER SEEN.

KO: I dunno. HERE'S YOUR AUTHORIZATION! was pretty good. But not as good as IT'S A CRAZY PLAN, BUT IT JUST MIGHT WORK.

DT: Well, really, what is? Except possibly THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN SEARCHING FOR MY WHOLE LIFE.

KO: Ah, yes, by the author of YOU'RE THE BEST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO ME.

DT: Part of the I NEVER KNEW I COULD FEEL THIS WAY series.

KO: My personal favorite, though, is probably SO... WE MEET AGAIN.

DT: A classic, like I HAVE PEOPLE IN THERE and HEAR THAT, FELLAS? WE'RE GOIN' HOME.

KO: And who can forget LET'S EVEN THE SCORE? Or IT'S PUNKS LIKE YOU THAT GET GOOD SOLDIERS KILLED?

DT: I thought that was derivative of WHATEVER YOU DO, STAY WHERE YOU ARE, I'M ON MY WAY.

KO: Well, that itself was lifted almost directly from JUST BUY ME SOME TIME, I HAVE AN IDEA.

DT: Really? If anything, I thought it was inspired by I NEVER SHOULD HAVE LEFT HIM.

KO: It definitely shared themes with that, as well as YOU'RE MEDDLING IN FORCES YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND. Which, as you know, was a stale rehash of LET'S SPLIT UP.

DT: The follow up to I DON'T BUY ANY OF THAT NONSENSE.

KO: Wasn't that a spinoff of WHY SHOULD I TRUST YOU?

DT: Either that or HOW DO I KNOW YOU'RE TELLING ME THE TRUTH, I can't remember.

KO: No, I think that was a spinoff of SO THIS WHOLE TIME YOU'VE BEEN LYING TO ME?

KO: Or was it THAT SON OF A BITCH KILLED MY PARTNER?

DT: That wasn't I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL I GET SOME ANSWERS?

KO: Yeah, that's it. By the creator of WHO'S INVOLVED? I WANT NAMES. And SO YOU WERE IN ON THIS TOO, HUH?

DT: And I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU'D BE WRAPPED UP IN THIS.

KO: Didn't he share credit with someone on THIS IS WAY BIGGER THAN YOU and THIS GOES ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP?

DT: Right, and YOU'RE IN WAY OVER YOUR HEAD ON THIS ONE.

KO: OK, so who was the co-creator? Was it the guy who did DON'T DO IT, IT'S NOT WORTH IT?

DT: No, YOU'RE IN WAY OVER YOUR HEAD was the guy that did NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE YOU AROUND HERE AGAIN.

KO: I've loved his work ever since THE CHIEF'S NOT GONNA LIKE THIS and IF YOU DON'T STOP THIS CRAZY SHIT, THE COMMISSIONER'S GONNA HAVE MY ASS.

DT: Ever since he broke in as a production assistant on THIS COULD BE JUST THE BREAK WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR, you knew he was gonna hit big.

KO: Yeah. I think my favorite of his was SOMEDAY YOU'RE GONNA SLIP UP. AND WHEN YOU DO, I'LL BE THERE.

DT: It's kind of sad that we've been at it this long, and we haven't even mentioned SHE'S THE ONLY THING I EVER REALLY GAVE A DAMN ABOUT.

KO: Are you kidding? That was nowhere near as good as EVER SINCE SHE LEFT HIM, HE JUST HASN'T BEEN THE SAME.

DT: Well, you're probably right, but SHE'S THE ONLY THING paved the way for EVER SINCE SHE LEFT HIM, not to mention EVERYTHING WAS FINE, UNTIL YOU CAME ALONG.

KO: Good point. Though I thought EVERYTHING WAS FINE was kind of ruined by its sequel, THEN SHE CAME ALONG, AND CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER. Though the creator redeemed himself with ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU'RE GOING TO GET US BOTH KILLED.

DT: Yeah, but that wasn't the original creative team on THEN SHE SAME ALONG -- that was the same hacks that did ONLY ONE OF US IS GETTING OUT HERE ALIVE.

KO: Those guys. I knew they were bad news ever since LOOK, KID, I GOTTA WORK WITH YOU, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I GOTTA LIKE YOU.

DT: And I'M ONLY GOING TO SAY THIS ONCE. Ugh.

KO: Well, that was Shakespeare compared to IF WE GET OUT OF THIS ALIVE, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU.

DT: Which itself was a barely disguised remake of YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE.

KO: But that at least gave the star of LOOK, THAT'S ALL I KNOW, I'M TELLING YOU THE TRUTH his start.

DT: Yeah, and without that we probably never would have gotten IT'S ABOUT TIME SOMEONE DID SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

KO: Or I CAN'T DO THIS WITHOUT YOU.

DT: We might have avoided WE CAN'T GO BACK TO THE WAY THINGS USED TO BE, though.

KO: Yeah. That, and EVER SINCE THAT DAY, THINGS JUST HAVEN'T BEEN THE SAME BETWEEN US. But I did like WE'VE COME THIS FAR, AND I'M NOT ABOUT TO TURN BACK NOW.

DT: I wish the star had just stayed focused on GET OUT OF MY WAY AND LET ME SAVE THIS PATIENT.

KO: But at least he gave it his all in SO I BROKE A FEW REGULATIONS. I GOT RESULTS, DIDN'T I? Along with the girl from SHE'S GONE, AND I'LL NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF.

DT: True. And their reteaming in NOW, WE'LL NEVER KNOW was well worth it.

KO: I think something like THE TRUTH WILL DIE WITH YOU could have been well served by a pairing like that.

DT: Absolutely. The guy from COME OUT HERE AND FIGHT ME LIKE A MAN gave it all he had, but he just shouldn't have been with the gal from NOTHING'S GOING TO HOLD ME BACK NOW.

KO: He was much better in LET'S FINISH THIS, RIGHT NOW, YOU AND ME. And she was pretty good in I WOULD HAVE GIVEN YOU EVERYTHING.

DT: Were either of them in WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE?

KO: No, you're thinking of the little-known I CAN'T STAY IN THIS TOWN FOREVER.

DT: Right, right. Was that connected to ALL YOU'VE EVER DONE IS HOLD ME BACK?

KO: Well, they had the same script doctor, but I suspect you're thinking of I'M NOT LIKE YOU, DAD, I WAS NEVER LIKE YOU.

DT: Or maybe I CAN'T BE WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE?

KO: Wait, that's it. NOTHING WAS EVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU comes to mind as well.

DT: Do you have a copy of YOU? BUT I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!?

KO: No, but I've got I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT HER, which is by the same guy.

DT: That's OK. I'm still trying to get through THIS ISN'T SOME KIND OF GAME.

KO: Ah, the sequel to THIS IS JUST A BIG GAME TO YOU, ISN'T IT?

DT: Is that as good as I'M JUST HERE TO GET A JOB DONE?

KO: I wouldn't be so obsessed with it if it weren't. But as much as it pains me to admit it, it's really not as good as LOOK, YOU JUST STAY OUT OF MY WAY AND I'LL STAY OUT OF YOURS, GOT IT?

DT: Which was nice launch for the career of the star of YOU CALL THAT JUSTICE?

KO: A brilliant start to the YOU CALL THAT series, following up with YOU CALL THAT LOVE? and YOU CALL THAT DEMOCRACY? and of course the Australian version, YOU CALL THAT A KNIFE?