This Is Not News

Ever try to convince someone that you’re not trying to cheat them? It’s not easy. A lot of times, you do it too well and only end up convincing them that you’re too much of a “smooth talker” to be trusted anyway. How’s that for a Catch-22? It’s a position I find myself in quite a bit. You see, I work in marketing. (Stop laughing.) Just last week I spent almost an hour on the phone with a customer at my credit union trying to convince him that our current auto loan rates weren’t (in his words) “some kind of bait-and-switch thing.” After forty-five minutes of reading and re-reading the terms and conditions to him, he finally believed me. However, he was quick to add, “I still don’t trust you people” before he hung up. (FYI, he really didn’t want the loan either, he just wanted someone to explain it to him, I expect to hear from him again when we run our home equity loan special next month.) I really don’t blame people one bit for not trusting marketers. They really shouldn’t, at least not when we’re trying to sell them something.

Allow me to explain. Contrary to popular belief, all marketers aren’t heartless, soulless individuals who take extreme pleasure from the suffering of others. (If you’ve read my previous piece on telephone and Internet scams, you might think I’m switching gears on you, bear with me.) Most people who work in marketing aren’t rich, present company certainly included. For the most part, we’re just trying to make enough to pay the bills and save a little – just like everyone else. Unfortunately, thanks to the way most marketing salaries are structured, how well we eat is directly linked to how well we can convince people to like us, trust us, and of course, buy what we’re selling.

Now the law of averages says that we can’t all be lucky enough to sell great products. There just aren’t enough great products in the world. Besides, why would you pay someone to sell something that sells itself? (Think about it, when was the last time that someone had to actually talk you into a box of Girl Scouts Thin Mints?) So, much like that old lawyer joke – when the facts are on your side, argue the facts; when the law is on your side, argue the law; when you have neither, bang your fist on the table really loudly – marketers need to make up for the weaknesses in their products somehow. So what do we do? Just about anything. For those of us that can’t afford to pay Britney Spears to dress up in tight retro clothing and lip sync, this means downplaying the weaknesses any way we can, overemphasizing the strengths any way we can, and getting you to like us, any way we can (within legal limits, of course). The reason for that last one is simple: the more you like us, the less you’ll think about calling that other marketer out there who’s selling something better than ours.

Here’s where the trust comes in (or flies out the window, depending on your view): getting a customer to like you can have little or nothing to do with telling them the whole truth. I’ve been told that I’m a lousy marketer because I’m too “blatantly honest ” (Thanks, boss. Coming from you, that’s a real compliment.) My attitude is that the truth catches up with you eventually so it doesn’t make any sense to lie to or even mislead a customer. Not all marketers think that. In fact, most of the people who are far better at selling than I am will tell you that detaching yourself from this job is the key. If you empathize too much with your customer, you may end up believing that they don’t need your product, and what kind of marketer would you be then?

By now you’re probably thinking that I must have been recently fired from my marketing job or have just bought a lemon from a fast-talking used car salesman to disparage my profession like this. Neither is true. My impetus for writing this piece is this: lately there have been far too many examples of people putting their trust into products, people, and companies that have done very little to earn that trust. Moreover, when given that trust, these people and companies act in their own best interests anyway.

Now I’m not just talking about Enron here, although what happened there had as much to do with slick person-to-person marketing as it did with misinformation. (How many Enron employees testified that they didn’t ask many questions about the stock or the retirement plan because their trusted the executives?) How about your doctor? How much do you trust the advice he or she gives you? According to the Philadelphia Inquirer, pharmaceutical companies spent $16 billion in 2000 trying showering doctors’ offices with free meals, tickets, and promotional items. So when your doctor prescribes a brand name drug over a generic (a move that will cost you more in the long run), is he or she doing it because the brand name is genuinely better, or because he has a closet full of promotional items emblazoned with that drug’s name? You won’t know unless you ask. So many of the decisions that you theoretically have some say in end up being made by someone else who isn’t going by what you need, but what someone like me has told them, or, given them. Again, you don’t know until you start asking questions.

And asking is the key – it’s the most important thing to do when you’re face to face with people like me. We’ll be content to play the “trust me and be my friend” game all day if you let us. Instead, let us work for your trust. Ask every question you want to, even if it starts to annoy us. Really, we just want the sale and we aren’t going anywhere even if you are annoying. What do you care, anyway, you can find friends on your own, you certainly don’t need some schlub in an uncomfortable suit and a pasted-on grin to say that he or she is your friend.

Let’s face it, this is a consumer-driven culture. In recent months, we’ve been asked to prove our faith in the “American way” not by being more active citizens, but by being more active consumers (and don’t think we at TINN are not a little irked at that bit of irony). But there’s a big difference between faith and blind faith. My advice (and take it for what you think it’s worth because I do sell financial services for a living, after all): take advantage of the freedom you have to be as darn suspicious as you want to be.

Back in December a group of writers on the Warren Ellis Forum were bemoaning the cliched dialogue that runs through so many fiction projects. Jay Faerber said, “I just always get annoyed when I see obvious I-learned-this-by-watching-too-much-TV dialogue. Like whenever you give someone CPR, you have to say ‘Breathe, dammit!’ or ‘Don’t you die on me!'” The ever-brilliant Gail Simone joked that these complaints put a crimp in her plans to publish a DON’T YOU DIE ON ME miniseries, and soon the thread was nearly derailed by dialogue-cliches-transformed-into-titles.

Never one to leave a good idea alone, Kevin and Dave spent a morning on IM running the concept into the ground. Considering that half of these seem to have made it into the ads for We Were Soldiers, we figured we’d share the results with you.

DT: I found the book I was looking for, by the way. It was under my copy of YOU’VE NEVER FOUGHT FOR ANYTHING IN YOUR LIFE NOW LIVE, DAMMIT, LIVE.

KO: Was it anywhere near NO, TAKE ME INSTEAD?

DT: No, that was on the shelf next to WE’RE ONLY GOING TO GET ONE CHANCE AT THIS.

KO: Wasn’t that the sequel to MEET YOUR NEW PARTNER?

DT: No, you’re thinking of IT’S TIME TO SHOW THESE PUNKS WE MEAN BUSINESS. Unless I’m getting that confused with I DON’T PLAY BY THE RULES.

KO: Didn’t that have a crossover with LEAVE THE GIRL OUT OF THIS, YOUR QUARREL’S WITH ME?

DT: Yeah, along with IT’S TIME WE SETTLED THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL. I ALWAYS KNEW IT WOULD COME TO THIS was a tie-in, there, I think.

KO: OK, the trilogy. The one that started with SO YOU’RE THE ONE BEHIND ALL THIS and LET’S GIVE HIM SOMETHING TO REMEMBER US BY.

DT: Yeah, none of them were as good as HE MAY BE CRAZY, BUT HE’S THE BEST DAMN DOCTOR I’VE EVER SEEN.

KO: I dunno. HERE’S YOUR AUTHORIZATION! was pretty good. But not as good as IT’S A CRAZY PLAN, BUT IT JUST MIGHT WORK.

DT: Well, really, what is? Except possibly THIS IS WHAT I’VE BEEN SEARCHING FOR MY WHOLE LIFE.

KO: Ah, yes, by the author of YOU’RE THE BEST THING THAT’S EVER HAPPENED TO ME.

DT: Part of the I NEVER KNEW I COULD FEEL THIS WAY series.

KO: My personal favorite, though, is probably SO… WE MEET AGAIN.

DT: A classic, like I HAVE PEOPLE IN THERE and HEAR THAT, FELLAS? WE’RE GOIN’ HOME.

KO: And who can forget LET’S EVEN THE SCORE? Or IT’S PUNKS LIKE YOU THAT GET GOOD SOLDIERS KILLED?

DT: I thought that was derivative of WHATEVER YOU DO, STAY WHERE YOU ARE, I’M ON MY WAY.

KO: Well, that itself was lifted almost directly from JUST BUY ME SOME TIME, I HAVE AN IDEA.

DT: Really? If anything, I thought it was inspired by I NEVER SHOULD HAVE LEFT HIM.

KO: It definitely shared themes with that, as well as YOU’RE MEDDLING IN FORCES YOU CAN’T POSSIBLY BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND. Which, as you know, was a stale rehash of LET’S SPLIT UP.

DT: The follow up to I DON’T BUY ANY OF THAT NONSENSE.

KO: Wasn’t that a spinoff of WHY SHOULD I TRUST YOU?

DT: Either that or HOW DO I KNOW YOU’RE TELLING ME THE TRUTH, I can’t remember.

KO: No, I think that was a spinoff of SO THIS WHOLE TIME YOU’VE BEEN LYING TO ME?

KO: Or was it THAT SON OF A BITCH KILLED MY PARTNER?

DT: That wasn’t I’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL I GET SOME ANSWERS?

KO: Yeah, that’s it. By the creator of WHO’S INVOLVED? I WANT NAMES. And SO YOU WERE IN ON THIS TOO, HUH?

DT: And I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU’D BE WRAPPED UP IN THIS.

KO: Didn’t he share credit with someone on THIS IS WAY BIGGER THAN YOU and THIS GOES ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP?

DT: Right, and YOU’RE IN WAY OVER YOUR HEAD ON THIS ONE.

KO: OK, so who was the co-creator? Was it the guy who did DON’T DO IT, IT’S NOT WORTH IT?

DT: No, YOU’RE IN WAY OVER YOUR HEAD was the guy that did NEVER THOUGHT I’D SEE YOU AROUND HERE AGAIN.

KO: I’ve loved his work ever since THE CHIEF’S NOT GONNA LIKE THIS and IF YOU DON’T STOP THIS CRAZY SHIT, THE COMMISSIONER’S GONNA HAVE MY ASS.

DT: Ever since he broke in as a production assistant on THIS COULD BE JUST THE BREAK WE’VE BEEN WAITING FOR, you knew he was gonna hit big.

KO: Yeah. I think my favorite of his was SOMEDAY YOU’RE GONNA SLIP UP. AND WHEN YOU DO, I’LL BE THERE.

DT: It’s kind of sad that we’ve been at it this long, and we haven’t even mentioned SHE’S THE ONLY THING I EVER REALLY GAVE A DAMN ABOUT.

KO: Are you kidding? That was nowhere near as good as EVER SINCE SHE LEFT HIM, HE JUST HASN’T BEEN THE SAME.

DT: Well, you’re probably right, but SHE’S THE ONLY THING paved the way for EVER SINCE SHE LEFT HIM, not to mention EVERYTHING WAS FINE, UNTIL YOU CAME ALONG.

KO: Good point. Though I thought EVERYTHING WAS FINE was kind of ruined by its sequel, THEN SHE CAME ALONG, AND CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER. Though the creator redeemed himself with ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU’RE GOING TO GET US BOTH KILLED.

DT: Yeah, but that wasn’t the original creative team on THEN SHE SAME ALONG — that was the same hacks that did ONLY ONE OF US IS GETTING OUT HERE ALIVE.

KO: Those guys. I knew they were bad news ever since LOOK, KID, I GOTTA WORK WITH YOU, BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN I GOTTA LIKE YOU.

DT: And I’M ONLY GOING TO SAY THIS ONCE. Ugh.

KO: Well, that was Shakespeare compared to IF WE GET OUT OF THIS ALIVE, I’M GOING TO KILL YOU.

DT: Which itself was a barely disguised remake of YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE.

KO: But that at least gave the star of LOOK, THAT’S ALL I KNOW, I’M TELLING YOU THE TRUTH his start.

DT: Yeah, and without that we probably never would have gotten IT’S ABOUT TIME SOMEONE DID SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

KO: Or I CAN’T DO THIS WITHOUT YOU.

DT: We might have avoided WE CAN’T GO BACK TO THE WAY THINGS USED TO BE, though.

KO: Yeah. That, and EVER SINCE THAT DAY, THINGS JUST HAVEN’T BEEN THE SAME BETWEEN US. But I did like WE’VE COME THIS FAR, AND I’M NOT ABOUT TO TURN BACK NOW.

DT: I wish the star had just stayed focused on GET OUT OF MY WAY AND LET ME SAVE THIS PATIENT.

KO: But at least he gave it his all in SO I BROKE A FEW REGULATIONS. I GOT RESULTS, DIDN’T I? Along with the girl from SHE’S GONE, AND I’LL NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF.

DT: True. And their reteaming in NOW, WE’LL NEVER KNOW was well worth it.

KO: I think something like THE TRUTH WILL DIE WITH YOU could have been well served by a pairing like that.

DT: Absolutely. The guy from COME OUT HERE AND FIGHT ME LIKE A MAN gave it all he had, but he just shouldn’t have been with the gal from NOTHING’S GOING TO HOLD ME BACK NOW.

KO: He was much better in LET’S FINISH THIS, RIGHT NOW, YOU AND ME. And she was pretty good in I WOULD HAVE GIVEN YOU EVERYTHING.

DT: Were either of them in WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE?

KO: No, you’re thinking of the little-known I CAN’T STAY IN THIS TOWN FOREVER.

DT: Right, right. Was that connected to ALL YOU’VE EVER DONE IS HOLD ME BACK?

KO: Well, they had the same script doctor, but I suspect you’re thinking of I’M NOT LIKE YOU, DAD, I WAS NEVER LIKE YOU.

DT: Or maybe I CAN’T BE WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE?

KO: Wait, that’s it. NOTHING WAS EVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU comes to mind as well.

DT: Do you have a copy of YOU? BUT I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!?

KO: No, but I’ve got I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT HER, which is by the same guy.

DT: That’s OK. I’m still trying to get through THIS ISN’T SOME KIND OF GAME.

KO: Ah, the sequel to THIS IS JUST A BIG GAME TO YOU, ISN’T IT?

DT: Is that as good as I’M JUST HERE TO GET A JOB DONE?

KO: I wouldn’t be so obsessed with it if it weren’t. But as much as it pains me to admit it, it’s really not as good as LOOK, YOU JUST STAY OUT OF MY WAY AND I’LL STAY OUT OF YOURS, GOT IT?

DT: Which was nice launch for the career of the star of YOU CALL THAT JUSTICE?

KO: A brilliant start to the YOU CALL THAT series, following up with YOU CALL THAT LOVE? and YOU CALL THAT DEMOCRACY? and of course the Australian version, YOU CALL THAT A KNIFE?

Last month Pattie discussed some of the things she has encountered as we anxiously and excitedly await the arrival of our impending bundle of joy/all night alarm clock.

This month, it’s my turn.

Those of you who have kids know this, but child-raising technology has advanced leaps and bounds over the course of the twentieth and twenty-first centuries. As parents, you are not expected merely to love your children, feed them, clothe them, keep them from harm, and pass on your values and knowledge. Rather, you are expected to obtain a ton of items that will, allegedly, make the lives of you and your child more convenient, more fulfilling, happier, and healthier, and possibly give you whiter teeth and fuller hair, although I’m less sure about those last two.

This is not really a great situation for us, because Pattie and I are big planners. We research, cross check, cross reference, cross out, and so on until we’re cross eyed, at which point we either a) act on our brilliantly-thought-out plan or b) get thrown for a loop by some crazy, insignificant last-minute detail — I’ll let you guess which happens more often. So, once the new year rolled around and we realized we’re at about three months to go and counting, we realized it was time to roll up our sleeves and start planning.

My God.

We tried to start with the big stuff, like the crib. The good news is, cribs are very heavily regulated, because pretty much everyone recognizes that the place where an incredibly fragile baby is going to sleep ought to be just about the safest damn piece of furniture ever built, so that makes the process a little easier. However, there is no shortage of crib options, and the price of a good crib can go from $250 to $600 or even higher. You can get cribs that convert to toddler beds or even into headboards for twin beds; we hope to reuse the crib down the road, so we weren’t interested in those options. You also can get cribs that match a certain style of furniture, which means you have to decide if you’re going to one set of furniture for the nursery and then replace that when the baby grows up and gets a ‘kid’s room,’ or if you’re going to pick a furniture style from the start and add to it as the child’s needs change.

And of course there’s a whole different set of issues to consider in selecting other furniture, which isn’t quite as heavily regulated. This is where you, as the expectant parent, must dig deep into your memory for all the harebrained stunts you pulled as a child and try to imagine how your kid will try to improve upon them, and then try to select furniture that will stand up to these shenanigans. Also, while it seems like with cribs there is a wide disparity in price but relatively little in quality, the opposite seemed to hold true with the other furniture — dresser/hutch combinations all seemed to clock in at around the $1000 mark, even though some seemed very solid and others were basically pre-fab put-it-together-yourself items. What to buy, and from whom to buy it, and for how long to plan to keep it after we bought it? We had diagrams and maybe even flowcharts at this point, and eventually decided to buy a dresser and hutch that the baby will be able to keep using; we’ll add a bed and a desk down the line. This decision, of course, raised the question of whether we should buy the crib that matched the dresser.

At this point I have to give kudos to the staff at Karl’s in Philadelphia, the folks from whom we planned to order the dresser. I called up the person who’d been helping us and said, “What’s the difference between the $550 crib from the same furniture line as the dresser, and a $300 crib I can get from the local Babies R Us?” I liked this salesperson and this store a great deal, since they’re knowledgeable, they’re incredibly nice, and they have a terrific selection, and to be honest I wanted her to sell me on the $550 crib — I wanted to give her the business. She came right out and said, “Really the only difference is that the crib will match the rest of the furniture, and if that’s not important to you, go for the other crib.” Fortunately, we were able to buy a less expensive crib from Karl’s, and everyone went home happy.

Until we realized that we had only scratched the surface. Sure, the baby had a place to sleep now, but what about feeding? What about traveling? What about sheets for the crib we had just painstakingly selected? We got a couple checklists from various stores, and then put our own together and started looking for answers. We spent an hour or two just researching the first item — bottles, for crying out loud. Do we want the ones with the liners, or do we want the plain bottles? If we want the plain bottles, do we want an angled one or a straight one? If we want the liners, do we want bags or a hard plastic liner? I looked through reviews on Amazon, but for every parent who raved about a certain bottle, another claimed that it always spilled and her baby had horrible gas.

To take a break from the bottle imbroglio, I looked ahead on one of the checklists, and saw ‘Sassy Seat.’ That was the breaking point. “What the devil is a Sassy Seat?” I asked whomever I could find on Instant Messenger, none of whom were parents. “And do I need one?” As it turns out, the Sassy Seat is apparently a seat manufactured by the Sassy company, which is designed as a high chair that attaches itself to the table and allows the child to sit with everyone else, and use whatever food and other implements are within reach to transform the table into a work of modern art. I’m not sure how that brand name became a generic term, but then I’ve discovered that the baby industry is always throwing new terms at us. ‘Playpen’ is apparently no longer in vogue, having been replaced by ‘pack-n-play’ or, even better, ‘playard,’ even though an artificial structure that keeps the child in a relatively small confined space reminds me a heck of a lot more of a ‘pen’ than a ‘yard,’ but I didn’t know what a Sassy Seat was, so clearly no one wants my input on this issue. Which is just as well, because we still are trying to find a diaper bag that would not be out of place during a night on the town, which means I have to hurry up and shop for the formal burp cloths. Catch you later.