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Author
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Topic: I Brake for Criminals (Nov. 2000)
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Dave Thomer
Guardian of Peace and Justice in the Galaxy
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posted 10-30-2000 01:56 AM
   
<<Chuckle, snort.>> Great column, Kev. The ironic thing, to me, is that you make Philadelphia sound like the home of normal drivers . . . which is definitely not the impression I get from driving in the car with Pattie.(Yes, for those keeping score at home: I don't have a driver's license yet, so my wife is the authority on Philadelphia drivers in the family. I did learn to drive, so that if I'm ever in your passenger seat and you have a heart attack, I'd say I have at least a 50/50 shot at getting us out alive.) But I had no idea self-awareness and knowledge of the penal code could get you out of legal trouble. I guess the producers of Law and Order better hope the population remains ignorant . . .
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Pattie Gillett
True Believer
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posted 11-02-2000 09:01 PM
Kevin, you're is absolutely right. Driving is War. Especially in Philly. It’s Monday-night WWF wrestling with really big foreign objects.
I learned to drive in New York City and even New York drivers have nothing on Philadelphia drivers when it comes to just being plain mean. You must have the instincts of a hawk, the reflexes of a cheetah and the self esteem of Howard Stern to get from one place to another without being physically or emotionally scarred. Two months after moving here, a fellow motorist suggested I become intimately involved with my exhaust pipe. My crime? I failed to get out of her way while she was backing up an exit ramp. Oh, that’s another thing, in Philly, motorists can “opt out” of exit ramps just about anytime providing they communicate their intent to the other drivers using vigorous hand gestures.
Further complicating the driving situation in Philadelphia are the obstacles. I’m not talking everyday road hazards like potholes or Firestone tires. I’m talking about Philly’s greatest pastime: Pretzel Vendor Vehicular Slalom. Back in NYC, the pretzel vendors are on the corners with their carts. You walk up the vendor, you pay your buck, you get your pretzel, you kibbitz about the Knicks as your wipe off the extra salt, and you leave. See, nice and safe. Nobody has to get maimed. Not so in Philly. The pretzel vendors stand in traffic, preferably at busy intersections near bus stops on major trucking routes. They wave their still-warm wares to people driving by. Visitors to Philly who want to observe this phenomenon should get up early: soft pretzels are big breakfast food here.
Now, apparently, the only proper way to buy a pretzel from a vendor is to cut across three lanes of rush-hour traffic and come to a screeching halt roughly three inches from the vendor with your left hand dangling a dollar bill out the car window. I’ve never seen it done any other way. The cool part is, these are the only times you won’t get yelled at by your fellow motorists. As soon as the other drivers see you hand over that buck, they exonerate you for whatever you did beforehand. They snap their fenders back on, pop their limbs back into place and begin fishing for their own bills.
The point of this story, Kevin, is that your frustration with driving in Central PA stems from the fact that you are clearly overqualified for the task. You were trained on these mean, baked-dough-strewn streets. Much like Inigo Montoya, who dueled with his left hand because he killed his opponents too quickly with his right, you will never be satisfied with those country roads.
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BJ
One of the Regulars
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posted 11-05-2000 03:41 PM
I don't know what I missed here. I wish I could see the message you guys are talking about(hint, hint, wink, wink, nudge, nudge). Pattie, those vendors are only practicing the first three laws of business "Location, Location, Location." These vendors are best served by putting their businesses in "high traffic areas"(pun intended). But yes, there are some of the worst drivers in the world spread out among the states. In Athens, there is a new parking lot with a Barnes and Nobles and a Chucky Cheeses in which you can witness some of the worst driving ever in the span of 5 minutes. Okay I'm finished. |
BJ
One of the Regulars
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posted 11-05-2000 05:32 PM
Now that I know what you guys are talking about, I can provide some reasonable insight.
First, the rule for tailgating is take your speed, add 10 mph and divide by 10, that is the number of cars that should be able to fit between you and the car infront of you. This is how you will not be tailgating.
Second, being a Chemistry Major, Avogadro devised a number called a mole which is 6.0221367x10^23 whatever(particles, atoms, apples, donuts) One mole of Helium contains 6.022x10^23 Helium atoms. As to his contrabutions, he postulated that at the same temperature and pressure, equal volumes of all gases contain the same amount of molecules.
As for the traffic issues, I agree. |
slgorman
One of the Regulars
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posted 11-06-2000 03:46 PM
quote:
The cop let me off the hook, because – and this is, like, totally what he said – I knew what I was doing wrong. Seriously.
Having, literally, just sent off a check for $106.00 to some blasted county in the middle of BFE California (Fresno, looking at you!)for the "priviledge" of enduring the mind-numbingly boring Traffic School for speeding to make it to a conference at which I HAD TO SPEAK after sitting for 3.5 hours (very patiently, mind you) on the runway in a plane and then having my flight cancelled so that I could drive the 350+ miles to Orange County (home of those blasted Republicans  ) in my *new* car, only to get a speeding ticket on the way, all I can say is "Damn, boy, but ain't you one lucky SOB!"And I, it seems, am not. [This message has been edited by slgorman (edited 11-06-2000).] |
Dave Thomer
Guardian of Peace and Justice in the Galaxy
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posted 11-06-2000 10:42 PM
Ya know how when you're proofing something, there's something that catches your eye but you don't have a chance to change it, and you tell yourself you'll go back and fix it later, except that you forget, and then the mistake is out there for all the world to see and there's nothing you can do about it and someone points it out and you wind up feeling like an idiot?Well, that's what just happened with me and the Avogadro's Number bit. Fortunately, since this is the Web, I can go and fix that the next time I'm making an upload to the FTP server, but still . . . I hate when I do that! |
gohb
Just Got Here
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posted 11-10-2000 01:01 PM
I think this was a great article, except the word "lollipop" should have been replaced by "small plastic lizard." |
Dave Thomer
Guardian of Peace and Justice in the Galaxy
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posted 09-20-2001 12:11 AM
BTW, anyone know if drivers instruction has improved any in the last ten years? When I was 16 I took a course that mostly consisted of sitting in a room, reading a textbook, and then watching very pad PSA films made in the sixties.On the other hand, I'm thinking my eventual passengers might find it useful for me to uy one of those cars equipped with passenger-side brake pedals . . . | |
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