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Author
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Topic: Flying by the (Sassy) Seat of My Pants (January 2002)
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Dave Thomer
Guardian of Peace and Justice in the Galaxy
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posted 01-19-2002 08:20 PM
   
The January Special Order Speeches update is now online. |
Pattie Gillett
True Believer
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posted 01-19-2002 08:21 PM
Our baby stuff-buying experience has served to do the following: a) it has exhausted the hell out of me (but then, I'm seven months pregnant - the opening credits of the Today show can do that these days) and b) reinforced my agreement with the conclusion Dave came to last month - the Internet is evil. OK, maybe that's not exactly the conclusion he came to but it's what I'm saying he did. Do you want to test my hormones and argue with me, well do you? I thought so. During our research process, the Internet gave us access to literally thousands of opinions about what seemed like thousands of baby products. You know, after a while, the absolute last thing a confused expectant parent needs is another opinion. If you could see Dave and I right now (and not just the deceptively attractive photo renditions of us), you would see that we already have the glazed, bloodshot eyes and stooped shoulders you associate with most new parents. Here I thought that look came from being up at two, three and four a.m. with a cranky newborn. Hah! It comes from trying to decide whether the Diaper Genie is the best invention since sliced bread or just an immense practical joke levied by baby product makers. I keep thinking that my grandfather (who was raised and then helped raise a child of his own with virtually no electricity and running water) is going to haunt me from the grave for even glancing in the direction of the electric bottle sterilizer. If you're watching, Granddad, I swear, we're not going to buy that or the Diaper Genie. We promise. And the baby wipe warmer is right out. Just work with us on the Snugli baby carrier, OK? |
Kevin Ott
True Believer
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posted 01-19-2002 08:21 PM
See, when someday I meet a woman who's willing to (a) marry me, (b) have the sex with me and (c) let my seed fester inside her womb and thus create an unholy spawn of darkness, I hope to be shopping for a sassy seat just so that I can look at it skeptically, then look at the salesperson and say "I dunno … do you have anything sassier?"Dave and Pattie refuse to laugh at that joke no matter how many times I make it. I've also become recently fascinated with the concept of breast pumps. Aside from being the luckiest little pieces of machinery in the world, these gadgets are charged not only with keeping the mother's milk production up and running, but with actually milking the mother. They extract milk from a woman's … well, wherever in there it comes from, so it can be put aside for later feedings. This opens up a whole new world of possibility. Could we store and freeze breast milk? Could we cook with it? Could we market it as a saleable product? Because, really, if that's possible, then every woman has a gold mine sitting right there in her brassiere. But I dunno. America might not be ready for a breast milk product. Then those fascists over at the FDA would probably get involved, and some pot-smoking welfare-loving hippie somewhere would want to place government restrictions on the sale of breast milk, and that would be THAT for the American working man. I mean woman. Oh, give me a break, it's late. |
Earl Green
True Believer
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posted 01-22-2002 01:51 PM
I dunno, Kevin. Not sure that market exists. Let me explain. I've had these two cats of mine for almost eight years now, my best pals in the whole world, the same ones who sleep next to me (one little fuzzy face
buried in each of my armpits) every night. But when I first got them, they both nibbled on my ears like crazy, until I figured out they were trying to nurse. Then one night as I was about to go to bed, the black kitten crawled up my stomach with his little tiny claws (back before they were big enough to break skin), saw something that corresponded to something on Mom, and took a big bite.YEEEEOWWCH. Fortunately, he forgave me for forcibly detaching him and flinging him halfway across the room within a few days. Can't imagine what it's like for someone who's really Mom, even if it doesn't involve teeth. So I can imagine you'd probably get a...colorful response...by trying to open a niche market for human breast milk, Tori Amos album covers notwithstanding. Best not to think about it. Glad I could get this - and that darn cat - off my chest. |
Pattie Gillett
True Believer
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posted 01-22-2002 03:56 PM
Plus, once Americans find out that breast milk is not low-fat - that would be the end of it of the marketing scheme. |
Dave Thomer
Guardian of Peace and Justice in the Galaxy
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posted 01-23-2002 01:56 AM
Until someone decides to try and market breast milk with the fat somehow removed. (Don't ask me the appeal of this. I still can't fathom the appeal of skim and low-fat cow's milk.)Another trip to Babies R Gonna Need a Lot of Stuff tonight . . . this time, we evaluated the all-in-one stroller/baby seat combo packages known as 'travel systems.' My God, we 21st Century Westerners are spoiled brats. Now we can move the baby from the car seat to the stroller without actually touching the baby. Sure, the kid gets to nap longer, but is this really necessary?  |
Pattie Gillett
True Believer
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posted 01-23-2002 01:31 PM
You can ask that question again when our baby is three months old and a 20 consecutive minutes of sleep is all you want in the universe. For the baby or for yourself - you'll take either. |
Dave Thomer
Guardian of Peace and Justice in the Galaxy
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posted 01-28-2002 11:55 PM
I did not deny it would be potentially useful, I only asked if it were necessary.You're right, though -- easy enough for me to talk now. Although you have to admit, the baby industry has a lot of folks sold on products of dubious value. |
Pattie Gillett
True Believer
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posted 01-29-2002 08:22 AM
Well, working in the baby industry must be a marketer's dream - your fallback tactic is always guilt. You say something will make a baby safer (whether it will or not) then you glower over the clueless expectant parents and say "You would spend a little extra to make sure your baby was safe, wouldn't you?"The other tactic is to market a product that claims to make the baby sleep longer and more soundly. By the second month, most parents would sell their own kidney for such a product. BTW, the baby-related product that I'm looking for does not seem to be available in the Philly area. If someone sees a maternity T-shirt that reads "It's None of Your Business How Much Weight I've Gained So For the Love of God, Stop Asking", please pick it up for me - I take a medium. Thanks. |
Dave Thomer
Guardian of Peace and Justice in the Galaxy
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posted 07-22-2002 02:17 AM
quote:
Originally posted by Kevin Ott:
This opens up a whole new world of possibility. Could we store and freeze breast milk? Could we cook with it? Could we market it as a saleable product?
Freezing is actually recommended for long term storage of breast milk, since it will only last in the fridge for a couple of days. And Alton Brown has made butter with it, so who knows, you could be on to something. |
Pattie Gillett
True Believer
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posted 07-23-2002 11:04 AM
Now I love Alton as much as the next person but he had to have been damn bored out of his mind to look at a bottle of breast milk and think "Hmmmmm . . . butter."Talk about your cottage industry. |
Stephanie
One of the Regulars
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posted 07-23-2002 11:19 AM
Yes, I have to go there.As long it's not cottage cheese. I pushed the damn envelope right off the table. |
Pattie Gillett
True Believer
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posted 08-02-2002 01:13 PM
Knowing AB, he would try that next. He made yogurt just the other day but not with breast milk, thank goodness. |
Dave Thomer
Guardian of Peace and Justice in the Galaxy
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posted 08-26-2002 02:42 AM
I think now, the only churning we have to worry about is what's going on in my stomach. |
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