posted 11-27-2000 03:16 PM               

She got to wear an authentic pair of Asian pajamas made of silk (a gift from other brother who travelled to Southeast Asia two years ago Christmas, but obviously didn't know his only niece's size since she can just now, and just barely, wear said outfit). All night she kept doing this thing where she rubbed her arms and tummy on her legs when standing up to feel the silk rub against the silk and would say, "Pretty clothes." Of course we all went on to encourage her only to wear silk from now on, much to the consternation of her dad, my brother.

She has absorbed more of this Presidental Election than would be expected for a child who lives in a near TV free house-hold. I have taken to calling her a pollster, since whenever a conversation came up she would latch onto a phrase (for example, bath and shower came up in a conversation--don't ask how, it just did) and she would go around the room asking everyone individually if they took a bath or a shower, and which they liked better.

Then, at one point during the evening when the topic of genetically engineered food products came up, her uncle (the poor shopper mentioned above) got her to say, "I want my chicken genes, please."

posted 11-28-2000 10:08 PM               

Since I live about four hours away from the rest of my family, I usually head to Philly the night before Thanksgiving and stay till the day after. I headed to my grandmother's home in the suburbs, where most of my family had gathered.

The next morning, I woke up at 9 a.m. to discover that my aunt had put the turkey in the oven about an hour before, and gone back to bed. I had been the earliest to bed the night before, having just made the long trek, and everybody else was making night-before preparations and didn't get to bed until about 3 a.m. Being up first and by myself, I watched some Iron Chef while I waited for everyone else to get up.

I got so engrossed in the show that it failed to occur to me that it might be a good idea to check on the turkey. Long story short: When everyone else woke up, we discovered that while the turkey itself was fine, most of the juices had spilled over into the bottom of the oven, creating an inch-thick pile of semi-blackened poultry ooze.

Since desserts and a few other dishes still had to be baked, our only option was to turn the oven up as high as it would go and just fry the gunk so it could be scraped off. But at the same time this was occurring, I was making beans on the stove (I use four kinds of beans and sausage). So, as I was cooking, smoke was pouring out of the oven and into my face, not to mention the 500-degree heat that was baking my forearms.

At this time, the smoke alarms went off. This scared the dog, so I had to help wave smoke away from the alarms, comfort my beloved pooch, and make sure the beans didn't burn, all at the same time.

Bear in mind I am a man of very little patience.

So naturally, when I went to stir the beans, I dropped the spatula, and it fell into the nasty spot between the stove and the wall, so I'd have to reach down there while trying not to burn my face on the hot oven.

That was pretty much the straw that broke the camel's back.

"Motherf&%?er!" I bellowed.

My family was strangely unfazed. My aunt, who had been working on an extra batch of stuffing, reached back and picked up the spatula. My grandmother suggested that I sit down for a second.

My uncle opened the door and walked into the house.

"Did you know," he said, amazed, "that I could hear that in the backyard?"

posted 12-27-2001 03:29 PM               

He's sitting playing with Dave and he decides that the current game is not enjoyable enough so he offers up an alternative.

Chris: Uncle Dave, want to play fire truck?

Uncle Dave: Sure!

Chris: OK, I'll go get fire! (and scampers out of the room).

All the adults in the room, half dead from pre-holiday running around, all laugh and make no attempt to move (perhaps we were just unwilling to believe what we all just heard). It dawns on us, "Did he just say he would go get FIRE?"